Friday, January 16, 2009
An Unauthorized Biography
Melissa wanted me to tell all of you that she won't be back until Tuesday - she'll spend the holiday weekend painting and doing finish work on the new house. Which is exciting, to be sure, but it leaves me in charge of the blog. Bwahahahahaha!
So, I've decided that a little unauthorized biography is in order. See, I think all of you need to know the real Melissa, and, well, she's a little bashful about reveailing her true talents. In fact, you could say she hides her light under a bushel. This post is all about bushel-bashing, folks... here's the straight dope on Melissa.
Melissa was born the child of a sharcropping crocodile farmer and a debutante. This accounts for her unique sensibilities and fashion sense - she's practical, and frugal, and sensible, but has a killer instinct for a truly great dress. Still, a person can get mighty sick of crocodile shoes and fried crocodile tail, which explains why Melissa broke free at the first opportunity -
her musical talent was her ticket away from all things reptilian....
and it brought her into a new world. A world of order, and self-discipline, where hard work and strength of character would carry a person a long, long way from the crocodile farms of Southern Indiana. So, Melissa bid goodbye to her pet crocodiles and her beloved family, and she headed off, into the wild blue yonder, flying high - oh, wait - that's the wrong service!
No, not the Air Force, folks - Melissa joined the Marine Corps. Yes, Melissa became a Marine, and it was here that she learned to be tough as nails. Yes, the Marine Corps molded this woman into the sort of woman who would run a marathon with her crazy sister-in-law; the sort of woman who would run three miles the day before her back surgery (no, that part's NOT made up - she really did that!); the sort of woman who, in a word, makes strong men look like wimps.
Lest you think, though, that this experience left Melissa lacking in feminine charms, though, remember her debutante mother and relax - Melissa can pull out all the stops when she needs to do so. In fact, I have seen her in this very dress AND a tiara, dancing the night away. The belle of the ball, she was, and the life of the party! And you'd never know she'd spent a large part of the day planning and setting up the exact same party - she's multitalented, our Melissa. In fact a person could get a complex, hanging around such sheer perfection, day after day... so, that's why I've decided to let you all in on some of Melissa's weaknessess:
1. Melissa is afraid of horror movies. Of course, I am afraid of horror movies, too, but I am not a
Marine, right? So, I can be scared of horror moves while simultaneously ridiculing Melissa for the very same trait.
And ridicule her I will - see that photo to the left? That will give Melissa the heebie-jeebies, even though the monsters are muppets! Hahahaha!!!!! That will show you, won't it, my pretty!!!! Okay, maybe the muppets won't scare her, but I know she's scared of Vincent Price! Come on, it's Vincent Price!!!! And that creepy voice and those eyes and that lantern jaw? Holy cow - now I can't go to bed. Thanks, Melissa! Some friend you are!
2. Melissa has a weakness for sugar cookies. And vanilla cake and white icing. She particularly loves fresh cupcakes, straight out of the oven, with soft pale icing melting over the warm, vanill-y tops... okay, hang on a minute while I go get a snack.
3. Melissa cannot resist a rock. She would, in fact, probably think she could pick this rock UP and carry it in her truck to her house. This is why both her truck AND her back have seen better days, while my car is in pristine, untouched condition. Ignore that hay and the edges of those grain bags sticking out of my trunk - we're talking about Melissa here! :)
So that's it, everybody - now you know a little bit of the story behind the woman who singlehandedly named Thistledew Farm AND selected its colors, on the same day! Go ahead and finish your painting, Melissa - I've got your back!